I had things written out that I was hoping to post like The Untold Origin Story of Pepe Le Pew, or I was a Teenage (Daily Mail) Mod.
But the goddamn semester man. it’s killing me. I’m loving my classes, but they’re taking my energy. Then I went to AWP, and I even got to pitch my thesis as a book — there’s hope. I got to play with a Freewrite, and goddamn I want one. The most important thing, and I’m still processing it, is that I have a tribe.
A long-long time ago, I was diagnosed with what was then called ADD. I wasn’t given medication, and I really wasn’t treated for it. No one told me anything about it, if anything I was told that I “outgrew it.”
Fast forward, and after feeling like a total r- word for my entire life, I realized I didn’t outgrow it — if anything it was always there and getting stronger.
It’s like that monster living in David’s head in Legion, it was always there. All the times I had issues regulating my emotions, or day dreamed at school (or got “Does not apply himself on my report card), or those times I missed that detail on a email at work, eating issues — fucking almost everything wrong with me was my untreated ADHD.
Ok, there’s lots of other things that are wrong with me — but we’re talking about an actual thing wrong with me.
So last year I started getting treated, and I’ve been taking what some of the ADHD community calls “diet meth,” and there’s improvement. I could probably take a stronger dose, but my emotional regulation is way better. My concentration and attention span has improved.
After taking a few conferences about ADHD and writers, I realized something. Most of what I’ve been doing for my ADHD has been surface level. I understand the symptoms, I take my medicine, and then I go on with my day.
However I never really understood my ADHD. Every effort I made to be a writer, especially post-treatment — I’ve either been working against, or trying to work around my ADHD. I’ve never tried to listen to it, or tried to work with it.
The thing is, working with it, I’m not sure what that would look like.